The Key...

Today is another day gone, another piece, another piece stripped away. More silence than talking but my heart still fills the same; it feels the same. There are little prickles of pain and a slight knot in my throat.  My heart feels the same though. Just like you start dying when you are born, I started dying when I  realized something was being torn. But my heart still fills the same; feels the same. Walking away into plain site. It wont be hard to find me, if you ever decided to fight for me. They say in time my heart wont fill the same; it wont feel the same but my heart still feels the same; it will fill the same.

I don't want to do over!

I have looked at a blank screen for days; day dreamed some daydreams for days… I have been thinking the same things for days and yet I haven’t been so compelled to write. How could I possibly be keeping secrets from the one who won’t judge me; My writing canvas as if I am afraid that she will actually have something to say.

Soul mates… "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. -Elizabeth Gilbert

When it comes to feelings, we always say, “I thought that was love but realized after, that it wasn’t.” How can we mistake it; how can we forget it, if we thought it to be true at some point? If one can stop loving then they have never loved at all. I have loved but I have never felt that I met my equal until I met my equal once. When I read what Elizabeth Gilbert said, I was like, “but why does your soul mate have to leave?” That’s the worst pain; I have felt the worst pain. Then I realized that if I met my equal once, I implied that my equal left or perhaps showed himself but I wasn’t quite ready. So I wonder, why does love have to be complicated and hard but yet so simple? Then if it is simple, is it really love if it’s so hard? In my case, it’s like my orgasm is at the tip and it just won’t come. This feels so damn good and it just won’t let me out. Why is this? Is it not real because truth be told it feels as real as the sun feels hot and the moon is the moon & the stars are beautiful.  It’s like the perfect pair of shoes but you don’t have the money; if you don’t have the money, then they were not meant for you or were they? Is there really such a thing in bad timing when it comes to love, if there is no time frame on when you can love someone?? Emotions seem to be so complex but I think the complexity is the debate between one knowing and one feeling. If someone asked me today, why do you love this person or what about them makes you feel like you are in love? I would simply say. I really don’t know I just know how I feel.  Let’s talk about deep. My energy exudes the feelings I have and yet they cannot be fully expressed or acknowledged; so is it real? They say you know when you know and people seem to always know until they really know.. I always knew until I met my equal once. Truth be told I don’t know anything but I do feel everything for this love that I have. I have been here before. Not like some dejavu type shit, just I have been here before. Like we grew old together, died together and started all over again because well, like I said, I don’t know anything but I feel everything and we have been here before. Thus the reason from day one I was protected, acknowledge and look at with such love and intent to care for me, hold me softly and never hurt me; to love me. The last thing on my mind was getting hurt because well, lets be honest, I was so blissfully caught up in the way that he looked at me. “Don’t look down,” he said often when I looked down because my eyes told my truths and my silence was loud and clear. Yet, I was still looking at these shoes in the glass window; these perfect pair of shoes that I haven’t bought but invested so much …… thought in… in the idea in my head of how perfect these shoes would fit. Lies I told myself; there is no such thing as perfect. This love though it’s as perfect as its gets, the feeling that is, It’s the feeling that keeps me happy, the situation that keeps sad and everything else in between that keeps me here and reality will set in soon. The reality of it all is its not mine to have.. Yet. I won’t wait on it though. What’s for me is what’s for me and I am grateful to know what it feels like to love someone as much as they love me. Unfortunately, I am tired and I don’t want a do over or to try again or to wait on the right one.. I met my equal once and if I can’t have my equal I don’t want anyone.

Paulo Coelho said “Don't think about what you've left behind. If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.”  Maktub (it is written).

My Wall falls slowly but is quickly built...

I learned to swim so that I wouldn't drown... Yet I realized that I could still drown if I got tired of swimming... So I learned to pay attention but realized that I could still get lost .. So I learned about direction but that doesn't mean I couldn't go off course.. So I learned to understand that there is always the on going solution to our hearts fears and our minds truths because we are constantly trying to protect ourselves.. I'm not perfect.. I'm still learning the lesson....