08-05-13
The truth is I'll love you always and leaving may not mean much when it comes to my heart. A lot of times I wish things were different but I have realized that no matter how much I wish, things are what they are. You cant have me if I cant have you. simple as that.
-Love Alexis
Something I wrote when I was 19yo...
So your she is the he that's ideal to a women like me by society's standards but by my own standards he is the she that is ideal to me. When I see her in him I always go out on a limb to express how i feel. To let the her in him know that what I feel is real. yet still he is the she that I most adore. Only if society could let it be, there would have never been a he... just my ideal she.
That's the very truth...
This is a perfect way to reflect how I am feeling right now.
8-27-12 I am so grateful...
I thought to myself yesterday... after I sat in my bed and ate dinner... My house was clean right and I was thinking like I don't have cable, there are somethings in my place that are missing.. I am super broke but I have my own.. I was very proud of that... That although I may not have all that I want, I have all that I need and my bills are paid and I have MY own.... I remember when I wanted to run away when I was in high school and I promised to never move back to Miami... And I remember building my own space and decorating it like an apartment.. I guess I am a little crafty.. I remember when I had nothing at 19yo trying to live on my own, dropping semesters because I had to work 3 jobs and my parents wouldn't help me .. Like I remember... and I have been stressed this year, extremely but I am on MY own and it feels good to say I live in my own apartment.. It feels good to know most of my bills are paid.. it feels good this time around to not have to depend on my partner to help.. It feels good that I have friends who don't mind helping if need be... it feels good to be back in school... I'm very grateful... Throughout all the abuse that I have had and that I have allowed... last night I realized that I am ok and I am grateful... I felt all that because my house was cleaned...
8.6.12
FUCK, i LOVE you....
There is always that moment… that moment where you lose. It’s as quick as walking across a line. I control my feeling because if I didn’t I would probably cry more than I already do. Funny thing about the truth is that you have to know how to handle it. This Line, you know the one between your heart and your mind; what you feel and what you know.. This Line is reeeaalll Fucked up. It’s been a while since I have been on this line but I’m standing on the fucking line… Standing still as fuck; just standing... Shit I’m catching my breath every other second because I’m almost forgetting to breath; I’m just still but Love don’t change and that’s what’s keeping me on this fucked up line.
7.17.12 Tuesday
"Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance and find out that you still care for that person." I can do without those feelings; just cant do without you.
Very funny how it all works!! For anyone I have dated or pursued I can tell whether or not it will work. After 90 days its normally over because that's all it takes for someone to show me how they really are... for some reason this time I trust it ; this is different. As much as I say that this is a trick, I don't think God would trick me like this. I think though that this is a lesson, to test our strength in one another. I used to lose myself in people, catering and etc & I don't want to lose myself in him; I want to lose myself with him. I don't want to make love to him; I want to make love with him. I want us to share us with one another. He gets me; it works for us. My worst days are the best days because I have him. Isn't that something?
You are my light and my world hasn't been the same and I do not intent to go backwards; only to move forward. Happiness & love are most peoples goals& I don't want to speak too soon but I am grateful that I have found both.
6.25.12 Monday
I have been praised for being a wife but I was challenged once. Most women now in this era do not believe in being domesticated. I love being my partners backbone, pleasing and taking care of my partner... I like to feel wanted and needed by my partner. But I was asked who am I outside of being a wife; I was in a relationship then. Naturally I was offended because it made it seem like I wasn't enough. I am single now and I think I get what the person was saying. I have been single for a few years and I have dated and went right into wife mode.. but what am I outside of that. I have been completely alone for the last 8 months and I'm BORING!!! all I do is work and when I am not at work I am home doing absolutely nothing. And today its hitting me that maybe I am not anything outside of wife mode. However, I'm super goofy and I know know I am more than just a wife... I like to have gatherings and I love to do things and I always used to be so involved but lately I just don't want to .... When did I become this woman? Then again what is wrong with reading and sitting at home watching a good movie? Or going to the movies and dinner... or walking around the neighborhood with a friend or a loved one and just enjoying each others laughs... a poetry lounge or even a night at Bayside when there is a free concert. My first concert was in Bayside for my 8th birthday... My dad took me... it was the best day of my life. I don't need anything big to have fun... but I am more than just a wife...
Tuesday 06.12.12
Its Tuesday.. A non-thinking day but thinking day for me… I guess I am not thinking about much other than my usual; progression, bills, goal & him…lol. Today is a non emotional day and everything in the universe feels right but it’s always silent before the storm… I can’t help but to laugh because I am always laughing and smiling. His interaction only intensifies it; it’s always been there though. I am in a phase of my life where I need better. I am a few days into my 27th year on earth and I refuse not to progress… its nice to have a motivator and people around me who care and help me! I am very stubborn and feel like I can do everything on my own but I know now that I cannot… I am working on that... I want to be better… I will be better and I claim that. I’m ready for a lot and I am learning to take one step at a time. I’m ok today… I’m grateful and very blessed! Hetepu!!!
5-31-12
This morning I wish I was the mother….
A mother; a women in relation to a child or children to whom
she gave birth, Bring up a child with care and affection “the art of mothering”
My desire for children only increases over the years; never
decreases. They say children sense different things about people. They are
drawn to the ones that are genuine and have a good heart. They retract from the
opposite. Children are so blunt! It’s a beautiful thing… My fear: not possessing
“the art of mothering”… I would love to have children and share my love for my
children or child with the person whom I am in love with. I want to work part time and be a full time
mother & wife. Smother my children with kisses and love but also enforcing discipline.
Sometimes hard to do when all you want to do is spoil them and when they do
something so bad and your pissed they just look up at you and you can’t even be
upset anymore. I want to be a soccer mom, or Karate Mom or a dancer’s mom; A
loving Mom… My child’s MOM… I was never really mushy with my mother but for
some reason I am mushy with children; especially the ones I claim to be my own.
When one of my best friends, Denise graduated her mother cooked and her family
came up. I was sitting at the table and there was this perfect little 2yo girl sitting
with me. Her name is Ashara. She doesn’t speak to strangers and I don’t force
children to speak to me, they normally swarm around like bees that see honey
after a while. So we were sitting there and she did something with her food and
without speaking I handed her a napkin she looked up at me and took the napkin.
She continued to eat like I wasn’t random but I was. Normally the boys are drawn to me quickly; the
girls are cautious. So Denise kept saying that she doesn’t speak to everyone
and she really didn’t, even the family that was in the room. It was hilarious;
children are so blunt! So I was sitting on the floor and she was drawing. So I started
to draw and all of a sudden she came and sat in my lap. She was still silent
& not speaking; she just started coloring with me. It was the sweetest
thing. And when I left & came back, she still didn’t speak... She just scrambled
some paper together and got real close and we started to color... I didn’t have
to speak… I knew…
My Secret Desire
05-10-12
1:12p
So I want to share a secret… I have been on this plight to
stay single. I have made it clear that I have no problem with having children
and being a single mother… However, the closer I get to 30 I realize that I am
an old fashion girl. I don’t want to be alone. I want a family & a best
friend; a foundation before I have children.
I want to be in love & share my joy and successes with someone other
than myself. Not just any someone; someone who reciprocates the love that I
have for them and for our life together. I mean don’t get me wrong a lot of me
is tired of relationships and people's bullshit but I want to share something special
with someone. I don’t want it to be forced or considered; I want it to be true
and natural. Just like love doesn’t discriminate I don’t either. I will embrace
a true form of love if it is presented to me. *sigh* I am not lonely but I am
alone… not all the time but sometimes I would like to be in love with someone &
for the feeling to be mutual.
4-26-12
I don't know what I have been thinking lately; humility ... I'm really being tested... I used to care about what people thought and how they viewed me and my actions. I don't even care anymore, even if you ignore me and I have something to say to you, I shouldn't feel ashamed to tell you. When you want to speak to me you have no problem speaking; I have realized that. So why cant I... I can and I will ... sucks when you will always be connected to someone even when you want out....
I went to Roxy the other night; I hate Roxy, its so ratchet…. But none the less I went. For the past few weeks, after making my definite decision to move out of
And I just want to clarify a few things, when I was with this person I never cheated; I never wanted too but we were inseparable. We had no space between us. When you seen her, you seen me… if I wanted to cheat, I couldn’t anyway… I realize the problem with our relationship was that we had no space; we had no trust… it was like beautifully wrong… we were good when we were good and bad when we were bad. That’s the best way to describe us. In our relationship, I was very private after the beginning. Of course when things first happen I had to talk but I realized quickly that if I wasn’t going to leave, I wasn’t going to complain or drag anyone along in my shit because eventually I would look like a fool. Nowthe Good has always outweighed the bad but the bad was horrible. She says people are comparing us to Chris Brown and Rhianna; umm she has never hit on me like that... I can see the flip side though; the way they loved each other and how you could see the love and feel it from a mile away. Yea that was us! We were like that, all about us and all about family; it was nice…. But one day I had to leave. I didn’t leave because I wanted to; I left because I had to…
Since I left her I had one official GF, She was amazing to me; loved me unconditional & gave ne the world. We are best friends still but no longer together… I fckd up big time! For all that I wasn’t, I was with her… I hurt her… I have not been the same person since I left my Ex… I have dated a few people, when I say a few I mean like 4 or 5 but have never fully committed… although I don’t commit people catch feelings.. I forgot that I can only control my own feelings and actions…. Anyway, I ramble… Man I have hurt a lot of people in these last 4 years… its not a good feeling…
So I have officially been alone since the end of last year, not dating, no sex (so deprived), just me… and I always go back to why I cant love like I used to…what’s holding me.. It hit me one day; am I still in love with my ex? If I am, I don’t want to be. Ugh, I become so emotional ( a fckn cry baby) and I guess its because I had no closure.. I remember the last time we spoke she mentioned counseling to deal with our shit... I was for it and she backed out… Why was I for it? I should have been able to let go a long time ago but I was for it…
So I went to Roxy the other night… I seen my Ex.. for the first time we sat in the same area, it wasn’t awkward but there was something I needed to know.. I needed her to tell me... I needed to let go; For a moment I missed her so much.. I thought about how were... I missed her but then I thought about what we weren’t… I walked up to her and at first I thought she would be like bitch, get out of here but she led me to the bathroom and all I wanted to hear her say was that she didn’t love me anymore.. its sounded stupid to her but I didn’t care; it was for me, for once… My big red dog asked how it made me feel, when she said she didn’t love me anymore; yep she said it… ! She wanted to understand why I was crying but I couldn’t explain it.. did it make me feel better?
Yes and No.. yes because I could move forward.. No because I didn’t believe her. However, I am in a wonderful place in my life, I have no baggage and she was what I needed to move forward… I appreciate her and Love her.. I appreciate all of my past and wouldn't change anything… for all the wrongs and rights; I have learned…
Love, Live Life with peace and blessings….
Oh yea, btw im not still in love..I have realized I just needed closure...
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