At least ...

I just can’t seem to figure out why love for me is so complicated. Some days I want it &  most days I don’t. The one I want it with I can’t have, so what’s the point? Of course I believe that things happen as they should. The lord and I both know that I should not be thinking about a relationship; however, on my journey to 28 it would be nice to share these accomplishments with someone... I at least want the option. I am not down playing the people who are available and have shared my happiness, I just want my own lover to share things with.

Throughout all of this frustration about the fucked up situations and the fucked up love that I don’t know truly exist, but I know it truly exist, apart of me is ready to be a wife & a mother or at least I want that option. I want to be someone's Queen and be in love with all that love is cracked up to be. Throughout all the misconceptions and truths, I want to know what it feels like to be all of the above. If it doesn’t work, at least at some point I know what it felt like when it did work  and then I could say I get it; I could say that I have experienced it. I want it or at least I want the option. I want to love someone as mutually as they love me & do goofy ass shit together. I want us to walk away from the sunset because we both think it too damn hot but then walked toward it anyway because we decided to sunburn together. I want that or at least the option. I want the dumb ass jokes and  to laugh only because you’re my baby. I want the stress of some bad ass kids running around buts it’s cool because they are our bad ass kids and we will raise them the best that we know how. I want to pick your nose and for you to paint my damn toe nails because I think it’s cute and not because you can really paint my toe nails. I want to argue and be mad as fck & after all that I want to want you more than I did before the argument even started.  I want to not be able to stand your ass at times and for you to aggravate the fck out of me; I want to be able to complain after because you’re in the living room mad and not in bed. I want the dumb shit, the happy shit, and the annoying shit but never want to think about leaving not once; that’s what I want or at least I want the option. I want us to learn each other like we learn how to survive. I want to mesh; our thoughts to intertwine & to still challenge each other. I want to debate, agree to disagree, feed not only your belly full but your mind full too. I don’t want perfect, I want real or at least I want that option. That’s how it should be right?? Right??

So why does it seem that more relationships and marriages fail than last?? I mean, you know when you know right?? So why do we still pursue something we know will not last? Could it be hope? Is it really love?? I’m with Musiq on this one, when he sings in Robert Glaspers song, “Ahh yea” ‘‘’cause I’ve learned in this life you gotta be with someone you like.”  That’s the damn truth. I feel like if we are adult enough to make these decisions to say yes, then we should be adult enough to make a decision to say no, especially when you know. Don’t mistake my rage for knowing or judging because I have no clue about what it is to be married but I am very knowledgeable about relationships. I wonder, however, if we were more honest with ourselves or tried to be, how much  could we more accurately analyze and evaluate a situation or a potential partner. Does logic really work when feelings are involved?  That does take work, I can admit but I wonder what the statistic could become or how many people could potentially end up with their match before a disaster was to happen? I believe also that people, who go through things once, carry that… so if I were to marry and it just wasn’t right, my chances of getting married again are slim to none. However, how fair is that for the person I actually fall in love with after that; my actual match? How fair is it to look happiness in the face and say fuck all that because I thought I was happy before? It’s not fair to you or the other person. Funny thing is that the excuse is, such is life and we go with that. We actually believe that shit. That bullshit that such is life… Fuck all that!! That’s all I’m saying. We make shit so complicated. If you are happy then be happy period but I digress. I said all that to say this; the relationship patterns in society are discouraging for the people like myself who are single and never been married or want to venture out but wont because so many people are full of shit, not willing or unavailable.... but I want to share my life with someone or I want the option at least...

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The Headline...

Dear Bomber,

You fucking coward! No warning? That means it was very random and you do know that cowards don't last in the wilderness, don't you? I am over you crazy ass people killing and harming innocent people; innocent children. You want to do this horrible & inhumane shit, take your ass somewhere where you will be appreciated; this is not the place. You better hope that you are legally reprimanded before anyone else gets their hands on you; I personally hope that you are thrown into the wilderness of the savages in this country so they can tare your ass apart. Oh and I hope that you pay close attention to the president; when it comes to threats to our people it is truly not what you would like to do here. I feel somehow that you believe that you are scaring someone. When people like you continue to threaten the lives of innocent humans and children, you have only made us angry; not scared... Trust and believe there is no fear here. 

Alexis, a citizen of the United States of America

3 Killed 144 Injured      No Warning 

 ......is what the headline read this morning at about 7:45am, the day after the Boston Marathon Bombing. While I was in the gym, working out on one of the machines, the headline was the first message I saw on the TV screen that was directly in front of me. As I read the caption and watched the pictures of the before and after scenes, I had to put my head down after a moment so I could breathe a little harder to stop the tears from pouring down my eyes; there were people around & all I could do was frown. Its sad. I don't know these people but this effected me; it hurts; it's sad. I am convinced our world is going to shit. Tragedies like this are the reasons that we should always forgive, the reason we should make sure the people closest to us know how loved they are by you. I am mushy to everyone close to me because I need them to know how much I do love and cherish them; you're here today and can be gone tomorrow. We need to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Now if you don't love yourself, then you need to get that shit together and love the people who love you. Cherish the life that is around you & the life that you have; the life that so many people lose every second of the day. 

Watching the news in America is very depressing; I can't imagine how depressed I might become in a 3rd world country where behavior like this is very common. I was not going to express my feelings about this tragedy because I don't know how to express what this feels like. Obama made a statement on yesterday, the day of the bombing and I think what stuck out not just to me but to everyone who watched or heard the speech, was when he said, "We still do not know who did this or why," he said from the Brady Press Briefing Room, cautioning people against jumping to conclusion. "But make no mistake, we will get to the bottom of this, and we will find out who did this, we'll find out why they did this." 

Any individuals or groups responsible for the "senseless" bombing, he added, will "feel the full weight of justice." 

Pay attention.