I love I love I love...

I was in Love, Then I was in Love, & I loved & I loved until I realized what Love is and for all that I knew it could be, I was discouraged by what it had been & now that I have experienced how it should be, I can honestly say that I now am.. I love.. I love ... I love 

Love, 

Me. 

It cant be the color of my skin....

So I have been trying to figure out how to say this is a non-racist way but I guess I will probably piss some people off.


Often times I become upset wondering what it is that makes whites hate blacks so much. Please understand that I am referring to the racist whites of course. We are depicted as buffoons, animals, & aggressors but if I am correct whites are the ones that attack us. Truth be told, it’s not in our nature to be so aggressive. When we pray with others we pray together, when we protest it’s peacefully. Marin Luther King led us to that but so did Malcolm. We say that they were so opposite but they serves the same purpose. By any means necessary yes but in defense. Even his followers didn’t shoot first or become aggressive first; they stood there with guns. Intimidating yes but when you are attacked you respond. I was always taught to never hit anyone unless they hit me first. Makes you really think. They break our legs, then blame us for limping. ~Malcolm X … They fear their reflection so they reflect it upon us. ~ Alexis Cutsumbis

Now that I have come to this conclusion, I wonder how we as blacks learn how to stick together

Its all Love...

This morning, I was able to confidently give advice. I mean I always do & I have been a counselor for many but this topic is a topic I know now for sure. Its nice to know that there are people as supportive, willing & caring around you. I know that in order to know what Good is you have to have experience the Bad. Even more than that, you have to experience the bad plenty to appreciate the small things. The Good!! Someone said to me this morning. "but he is a provider financially and the sex is good" but that isn't shit if he doesn't treat you right. People don't understand the concept of that. I lost an amazing manager last night and when I described the difference between him and the 3 I have at my full time job.. I explained the importance of how you treat someone. I get paid nothing at my second job, especially compared to my full time job but I will always work for my manager #2 for nothing because of the way he treats me. I'm loyal because he is loyal to me. I am loyal to my partner because he is so loyal to me. I would rather be Happy with nothing than miserable with something... Happiness is priceless; its a lot. I'm put in my place for being so caring to people who don't even deserve my thoughts but it's love that makes the world go around; I'm telling you. being considered, being wanted, being appreciated, being listened to and ect, it goes a long way. It makes you feel better; makes you do more.. so much that, what you didn't have will suddenly fall into place. I don't have much but besides me loving me & being happy with me; he makes me feel like I have so much. Its really nice & I was told that I am not expressive enough and hear I am thinking my biggest issue was I was too expressive. But fuck it; I'm Happy and it is what it is... I want to share my smiles and my laughs... I'm grateful to know what this feels like. I was told last night that my fear is my ego and My ego is not me because Alexis is caring and loving and doesn't fear anything. I had to really think about that...,,, Dont let your ego get the best of you; it has gotten a hold of me in the past and I lost out, fckd up and was blinded by alot because of my fear and this control I needed. Be happy..be positive and I know now from experience that everything will be better.. everything will make sense... everything is all love.. 

This Woman..

I am a lover of live instruments, melodies flowing & sounds colliding to make one easy stream of music so sweet to the ear; soft to the touch. I love flowers, colorful and bright.. Cute insects & lady bugs are my favorite. They describe me perfectly; sophisticated, bold & beautiful but gentle and quiet all at the same time. I hide behind armor strong to the core because I am weak in the idea of Love.. Imagining what it can be or feel like but my imagination is only created for these dreams I dream; the ones that may never come true. So why not shield the hope; hopeful not to get hurt. I used to live to be a mother, a good wife and provider for my family; live to comfort others. What about me.. forgot about me... now I live for myself, to be me.. almost selfishly. I'm feisty, witty and sometimes a blond. I laugh a lot  & cry equally as much but hiding that weakness has been my strength. I don't like to feel vulnerable and out of control. When I seem as if I am being complicated .. I really am.. I'm indecisive & when I don't stay busy all I do is think...I don't read as much as I should but lately I feel impelled to. I am happy, Sad, I sometimes disappoint myself but at the end of this list not yet finished I only know of one woman & I am all she can be.. Love my flaws because I'm far from flawless. Tell me I am beautiful even though I already know; it matters. if you cant write, send me lyrics to a song to express how you feel. Tell me you love me even though your actions speak louder than words & you can take it back after but i'll know its real... I don't want to be who you want me to be; I will only be me... this is me & you wont have to second guess that.

Stop thinking and just be...

"All you have to do is pay attention;Lessons always arrive when you are ready, and if you can read the signs, you will learn everything you need to know in order to take the next step." Paulo Coelho-The Zahir

Slow Cooking..

Foundation: Noun: The lowest load-bearing part of a building, typically below ground level;  A body or ground on which other parts rest or are overlaid.

… Building a foundation for anything is the most crucial part of building a masterpiece; something strong and stable that even the strongest wind cannot break.  Palm trees are in the south because they are strong enough to survive even in hurricanes. I wonder how perfect a foundation can be; is there such a thing? When building you take your time depending on the vision, depending on the feeling and the quality of the materials. I can compare it to slow cooking. When you slow cook, you are allowing all the juices and ingredients to manifest into this mouthwatering dish. It can make you cry if you are not careful.  Once your foundation is complete and you are sure that you are ready for the project then you can add on; even with that you should take your time to create. I want to slow cook in your presence, experience the manifestation of this creation; the foundation that is being built. Fast food makes me sick; it’s not needed nor is it wanted. I can see the vision, I understand the concept and I can look forward to the add on... Happy Friday!