The Rigaramo

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Feeling like everything from before yesterday was everything before yesterday and today I’m empty. I feel like being surrounded by my own energy, take a vow of silence, eliminating everyone left in my life for a moment and just be. I awakened with the idea that a part of me is hurt, misunderstood and angry. Most of me is extremely easy going, relaxed, happy, and understanding & at some point I am able to just be still.

I feel like I have deprived and restricted myself from manifesting my love in something that reciprocates in the exact way I can give it; unrestricted. I feel like I allow people to use me for their comfort but use me for their demise because after all, misery loves company and I love the world. I've realized that in the end I allow myself to be treated in the ways that I have been treated but on the other hand I have learned to separate myself from most of things that are no good for me (a great accomplishment). If you don’t want it, then separate yourself from it; right!? Although, my main goal is to finish school and my main focus is me, do I not have the right to think about Love? Do I not have the right to think about my future because truth be told I am not getting any younger and every time I turn around, someone is getting married, already married (the story of my life) or having a lovely child that they so adore and love and is Jah’s greatest gift. Am I not allowed to feel alone or lonely because my focus should ONLY be about me and finishing school. Is it not human nature to want to love and be loved by someone and think about the future with them; growing with them & challenging one another?  

Although, I have become a hermit, spending my nights sipping wine or rum depending on how I feel and reading a good book before bed, or going to a matinée on the weekends alone because I would rather spend $7.50 than $10 (even though I movie hop), then realizing that my new Saturday morning walk consist of getting lost in a two hour hike at one of the parks hiking trail, I sometimes want to share that with someone. Don’t be mistaken, I don’t want to be around someone just for the sake of someone being around; I want intimacy (I’m not talking about sex). 

The Foundation of Building a Healthy Relationship: Lets Talk About It!

Women accounted for 85% of victims of intimate partner violence, men for approximately 15%. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Date Brief, Intimate Partner Violence 1993-2001, February 2003. (http://www.evefoundation.org/domestic-violence-statistics/) According to Safehorizon.org women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because their partners and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults. People focus so much on healing after these types of instances which is wonderful but what do we do for prevention. How do you try to prevent violence against a spouse from happening? I believe that if we promote healthier relationships and encourage people to have a routine in their relationships, domestic violence cases would be significantly lower. Of course I would love to eliminate the idea of domestic violence or any type of violence to our queens and kings, princesses and princes but I understand that starting somewhere will start something.

To live healthy is to live happy. What’s better than being happy with yourself and by yourself; being happy with someone else. Building a healthy and strong relationship is like building a strong and lasting home. Every piece of construction needs a foundation. The key element in building a foundation is building a friendship and we can’t do that without communicating and trusting one another.

Learn how to communicate. Often times, when communication is lacking, everything else falls apart; like building a maze with domino's and pushing the first domino against the second and every domino falls until the last one is no longer standing. Communication builds understanding and another one of the most important elements in a relationship, it builds trust. A person will never know what you feel if you don’t tell them, nothing ever works off the strength of assumptions. Why? Because most times we are wrong and it drags out an argument or just makes things worse than what they are, when it could have been avoided when the issue first presented itself. Never be afraid to be expressive with your partner. After all, only we know what we are thinking.

Now of course there are rules to expressing to your partner in a healthy way. We must always be polite and ladies and gentleman we must learn how to stop blaming each other and pointing the finger. For example if something your partner said hurt your feelings. You do not start and argument with the word YOU (a blaming word) hurt my feelings, you can say, “my feelings were hurt when such and such was said.” We should use “I” statements, such as I felt or I feel. As opposed to, you are the reason I feel or you do this and you did that. Try not to make you partner feel attacked but instead try to make them feel like you are only expressing your feelings because you want them to understand how you feel not because you are trying to blame them. It will prevent a conflict that may result in something negatively aggressive. The way you speak to your partner is extremely important. Sometimes it’s not what you say that makes someone react; it is how you say it.  When communicating we must respect one another as we would want the other to respect us. We absolutely must listen to our partner and make an effort comprehend what they are trying to relay.  It’s ok to ask for clarity if you do not understand something or just in general, check in with each other about your feelings. Communication is not just working issues out; communication is simply talking, letting your partner know that you are interested in their daily routine and the good and bad things that may have happened in their lives or throughout the day. Communication should always be constant. If you make it a habit, it will just come natural. If your partner shares great news then be enthusiastic with them. Follow up with their feelings, let them know that their accomplishments matter and as a result, they will always want to tell you everything. If you act like you don’t care, they will notice and eventually will stop telling you things.  I feel that’s also a way for your partner to feel comfortable with you and not someone else; you don’t want them to stray away from you, you want them to continue to be comfortable with you and vice versa; if you know what I mean. Communication is constant and always flowing in a healthy relationship. As I stated earlier, it builds and maintains trust.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship; period. There is nothing more or nothing less. When someone loses trust, what happens? They start accusing or question your every move, thought or word. What does that do to the relationship? It is no longer a relationship; it’s an investigation. When your partner doesn’t trust you they become the best investigators of life; no prior education needed and no need to hire. Losing trust and accusing all the time takes away from actually enjoying your relationship. Then there is no point. Trust is like having an A at the beginning of the semester & the goal is keeping that A. Once you lose it you have to find your way back. The difference is trust for some reason is extremely difficult to get back. So I encourage all couples if you fall into the no trust category either try to work on it but if you just can’t, then let it go. There is no point in staying in a relationship if you are going to constantly accuse and snoop on one another. It creates a hostile and controlling environment and that it a negative trait in a relationship. Control is NOT healthy.  Respect each other as individuals and if you have trust, trust that your partner is being faithful and carrying themselves in a manner that is a positive reflection of you and your relationship. I would rather be happy than miserable: I would rather be happy than abused. If we can make the positive routines a habit more than the negative routine then possibly more relationships will last and if they end they won’t end in violence.

 If you are angry enough to hit the person you so called love then you two don’t need to be together. Just because you love each other doesn't mean you need to be together either. When we care about someone we over look or do not address the issues we may have and as a result, relationships end badly. Communication, communication, communication is the basis of a relationship.