The Rigaramo

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Feeling like everything from before yesterday was everything before yesterday and today I’m empty. I feel like being surrounded by my own energy, take a vow of silence, eliminating everyone left in my life for a moment and just be. I awakened with the idea that a part of me is hurt, misunderstood and angry. Most of me is extremely easy going, relaxed, happy, and understanding & at some point I am able to just be still.

I feel like I have deprived and restricted myself from manifesting my love in something that reciprocates in the exact way I can give it; unrestricted. I feel like I allow people to use me for their comfort but use me for their demise because after all, misery loves company and I love the world. I've realized that in the end I allow myself to be treated in the ways that I have been treated but on the other hand I have learned to separate myself from most of things that are no good for me (a great accomplishment). If you don’t want it, then separate yourself from it; right!? Although, my main goal is to finish school and my main focus is me, do I not have the right to think about Love? Do I not have the right to think about my future because truth be told I am not getting any younger and every time I turn around, someone is getting married, already married (the story of my life) or having a lovely child that they so adore and love and is Jah’s greatest gift. Am I not allowed to feel alone or lonely because my focus should ONLY be about me and finishing school. Is it not human nature to want to love and be loved by someone and think about the future with them; growing with them & challenging one another?  

Although, I have become a hermit, spending my nights sipping wine or rum depending on how I feel and reading a good book before bed, or going to a matinée on the weekends alone because I would rather spend $7.50 than $10 (even though I movie hop), then realizing that my new Saturday morning walk consist of getting lost in a two hour hike at one of the parks hiking trail, I sometimes want to share that with someone. Don’t be mistaken, I don’t want to be around someone just for the sake of someone being around; I want intimacy (I’m not talking about sex).