What do you see ?

Self-concept will always effect self-esteem. It’s not what you are; it’s what you see. Like the person who is anorexic, we see, bones and they still see fat and as long as that’s what they see, then they will continue to destroy themselves until they cannot see it anymore. What we see, has a lot to do with what we feel. If you don’t feel like you’re beautiful then you’re not and it really is as simple as that. What we look like is a reflection of ourselves. What we attract, how we react and what we think is acceptable. For instance, when I was 120lbs; I was confident. When my hair was long; I was confident. When I looked the way I felt I should have looked, I could put on anything and look good because I felt good. When I was free to explore my body and wear my hair the way I wanted and paint my nails whatever color that defined me at the moment; I was beautiful. I felt it and I looked it. The moment, I gained all that weight, even though I was pregnant, the moment I couldn’t walk into any store and pick out clothes, the moment I cut my hair and the moment I could see my tummy over my pants, I started to see dark circles around my eyes that I have never seen before. I went from glowing at 29 to feeling 10yrs older at 30 and looking like it too; just like that. At least this is how I feel. I only bring other people down when they complement me and I am respond with, “yea right.” Because essentially, it doesn’t matter what they think. It matters what I think about myself. You know, people say media plays a major role in how a woman thinks she should look, the attention she should get and how she is supposed to carry herself but I don’t think it’s true. I think media helps us identify but if you think about it, even the girl with the perfect body could have low self-esteem. She hears everyone but she only listens to herself. It’s just like your voice, when a person listens to you speak, they hear you one way and then when you hear yourself, you are like, do I really sound that way. We are our worst critics. We must get into the habit of believing in ourselves and being in tuned with ourselves; inside and transferring that energy to the outside. Adolescents are in more difficult circumstances because they are finding out who they are, what they like about themselves and what they dislike and ect. If he/she doesn’t see who they really are and the beauty they really behold then what they see affects self-concept and self-esteem in a very negative way.  I think a way to alleviate some of that is advocating for people to be themselves; that it is way cooler to just be you, no matter what you think you look like or even what others think; it’s all about how YOU feel. It truly is.

Respect Yourself

Let me first start by saying that Women, we put up with a lot of shit! For days I have been contemplating if I should or should not write about this subject that is so very relevant in women’s lives today; self-respect. What is it that makes it ok for us to feel as if we must accept anything because we love them, we understand them, or because they say they love us but can’t seem to get it right. What is it about us that makes it ok to be used and abused just because they feel the hurt can be mended by the I’m sorrys, I love yous, I didn’t mean to hurt you and the I don’t want you to leave statements. Why are these wonderful lines so common? Or the, you’re not worried about her, they want everything you have or I don’t love them, I love you and that’s the difference lines.  I mean, WHAT? Did you really just say that? And the nerve of us, we go for it, time and time again, we go for it. Is it because we don’t think we are worth more than the three words and occasional time. Is it that we feel we are missing out on a good one and if only we can be understanding they will see the potential in us?  After all, the ones that put up with the shit ultimately get the ring in the end? In the end meaning that we are waiting on something, meanwhile passing up on the ones that will and have given us everything we know we deserve, based off the idea that it may or may not be.  Do we settle because we feel as if our standards are too high and that we should lighten up because after all who wants to be alone?

 

I ask though, aren’t you still alone when they are with someone else and you are home wondering when they will act right. Aren’t you still alone when they can’t come to functions or do the things you want them to do because they would rather be private with you but all out in the open with the other bitch? To make matters even worse, aren’t you still alone when they rather be with themselves more than they would rather be with you??  That is not LOVE.  Is that saying really true that people keep the one they love hidden because they don’t want anyone to come in between that??? Is that the way it’s supposed to be?? And ladies, miss me with the I stick with him because all he does is step out but he always comes home and he takes care of me in every aspect.... its not love. I don't believe for one second whether I stick with you or not that you love me completely if you cant keep your  little penis in your pants. period.  So riddle me this…. Why do we accept the bullshit?

 

Your spouse should expect from you what you expect from them and Ladies we should not accept anything less. Actions speak much louder than words and I have realized that no matter what is said and when it is said, listen to the actions. The words are actually the perk. If they love you they will show you, if you are down and out they will take care of you and support you, not just emotionally and mentally but financially. Get off this I don’t want to ask for money or help because I don’t want them to feel like I am a gold digger or I just want their money tip; you know you are not after their money; however, Ladies, you should NEVER EVER EVER have to ask your spouse for money, to wash your car or even give you an oil change. I know it sound crazy but you are supposed to be taken care of in every aspect. I mean if they love you, if they really care…. Just like they expect sex and a good meal, you expect that shit too! Just like they expect emotional and mental stimulation and support you should too! Just like we want to make sure they are having an awesome day or run their bath water after a long day at work, it is ok to expect it too! Because just as much as they deserve that from you, you deserve that from them. Period.  

 

If your energy cannot be reciprocated then they are not for you and vise versa.  If you know what they offer you, you cannot offer them then you are not for them. Maybe later but not right now; let that shit go. If its supposed to be, it will come back the right way. It is ok to be single, it is ok to have what you want in a spouse and it is ok to continue until you get it right. Because believe me you, we will get it right eventually. We must demand the respect ladies and the more we demand respect the more we will get it. Respecting us should be the norm, not the other way around. We ARE worth it! Always remember that. You don’t deserve anything less than what you deserve and you don’t have to accept shit from someone that does not deserve you. Respect yourself first; you are a priority.

Clearly (Something old)

(Sings) “I can see clearly now that the rain is gone.”

As I watched my only negative walk out the front door

Blinded by the love that never was

Bigotry

You see, I always negate the obvious

That obviously I was a fool

Hopeful that I would be treated like a Queen

Because after all I am a Queen and you never did deserve me

All the while lying to myself like you

Like you were worthy

Of my trust

Making excuses for your lies that I knew were lies

Excuses for your cries

When I knew damn well they were lies

(Sings) "I can see all obstacles in my way"

So there is no point in dwelling

Dwelling on the fact that I wasted so much time

Proving to you that I was worthy for you

When all the while there was nothing to prove

Worth more than what your mouth said

More than what your spirit spread

Instead

I was left with pain and grief

Almost regretting you

But I didn't

I learned from you

I’m stronger because of you

I am grateful for you

I have opened my eyes because of you

(Sings) “Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind”

After all I am not perfect

The one thing you did best was point out my flaws

And that’s fine

Because I needed that

Needed to be fed that

To determine the lies and the truths

About myself

I’m stronger because of you

Stronger because of that

I can see myself clearly now

I can feel my heart clearly now

(Sings) "It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day”

The Rigaramo

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Feeling like everything from before yesterday was everything before yesterday and today I’m empty. I feel like being surrounded by my own energy, take a vow of silence, eliminating everyone left in my life for a moment and just be. I awakened with the idea that a part of me is hurt, misunderstood and angry. Most of me is extremely easy going, relaxed, happy, and understanding & at some point I am able to just be still.

I feel like I have deprived and restricted myself from manifesting my love in something that reciprocates in the exact way I can give it; unrestricted. I feel like I allow people to use me for their comfort but use me for their demise because after all, misery loves company and I love the world. I've realized that in the end I allow myself to be treated in the ways that I have been treated but on the other hand I have learned to separate myself from most of things that are no good for me (a great accomplishment). If you don’t want it, then separate yourself from it; right!? Although, my main goal is to finish school and my main focus is me, do I not have the right to think about Love? Do I not have the right to think about my future because truth be told I am not getting any younger and every time I turn around, someone is getting married, already married (the story of my life) or having a lovely child that they so adore and love and is Jah’s greatest gift. Am I not allowed to feel alone or lonely because my focus should ONLY be about me and finishing school. Is it not human nature to want to love and be loved by someone and think about the future with them; growing with them & challenging one another?  

Although, I have become a hermit, spending my nights sipping wine or rum depending on how I feel and reading a good book before bed, or going to a matinée on the weekends alone because I would rather spend $7.50 than $10 (even though I movie hop), then realizing that my new Saturday morning walk consist of getting lost in a two hour hike at one of the parks hiking trail, I sometimes want to share that with someone. Don’t be mistaken, I don’t want to be around someone just for the sake of someone being around; I want intimacy (I’m not talking about sex). 

The Foundation of Building a Healthy Relationship: Lets Talk About It!

Women accounted for 85% of victims of intimate partner violence, men for approximately 15%. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Date Brief, Intimate Partner Violence 1993-2001, February 2003. (http://www.evefoundation.org/domestic-violence-statistics/) According to Safehorizon.org women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because their partners and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults. People focus so much on healing after these types of instances which is wonderful but what do we do for prevention. How do you try to prevent violence against a spouse from happening? I believe that if we promote healthier relationships and encourage people to have a routine in their relationships, domestic violence cases would be significantly lower. Of course I would love to eliminate the idea of domestic violence or any type of violence to our queens and kings, princesses and princes but I understand that starting somewhere will start something.

To live healthy is to live happy. What’s better than being happy with yourself and by yourself; being happy with someone else. Building a healthy and strong relationship is like building a strong and lasting home. Every piece of construction needs a foundation. The key element in building a foundation is building a friendship and we can’t do that without communicating and trusting one another.

Learn how to communicate. Often times, when communication is lacking, everything else falls apart; like building a maze with domino's and pushing the first domino against the second and every domino falls until the last one is no longer standing. Communication builds understanding and another one of the most important elements in a relationship, it builds trust. A person will never know what you feel if you don’t tell them, nothing ever works off the strength of assumptions. Why? Because most times we are wrong and it drags out an argument or just makes things worse than what they are, when it could have been avoided when the issue first presented itself. Never be afraid to be expressive with your partner. After all, only we know what we are thinking.

Now of course there are rules to expressing to your partner in a healthy way. We must always be polite and ladies and gentleman we must learn how to stop blaming each other and pointing the finger. For example if something your partner said hurt your feelings. You do not start and argument with the word YOU (a blaming word) hurt my feelings, you can say, “my feelings were hurt when such and such was said.” We should use “I” statements, such as I felt or I feel. As opposed to, you are the reason I feel or you do this and you did that. Try not to make you partner feel attacked but instead try to make them feel like you are only expressing your feelings because you want them to understand how you feel not because you are trying to blame them. It will prevent a conflict that may result in something negatively aggressive. The way you speak to your partner is extremely important. Sometimes it’s not what you say that makes someone react; it is how you say it.  When communicating we must respect one another as we would want the other to respect us. We absolutely must listen to our partner and make an effort comprehend what they are trying to relay.  It’s ok to ask for clarity if you do not understand something or just in general, check in with each other about your feelings. Communication is not just working issues out; communication is simply talking, letting your partner know that you are interested in their daily routine and the good and bad things that may have happened in their lives or throughout the day. Communication should always be constant. If you make it a habit, it will just come natural. If your partner shares great news then be enthusiastic with them. Follow up with their feelings, let them know that their accomplishments matter and as a result, they will always want to tell you everything. If you act like you don’t care, they will notice and eventually will stop telling you things.  I feel that’s also a way for your partner to feel comfortable with you and not someone else; you don’t want them to stray away from you, you want them to continue to be comfortable with you and vice versa; if you know what I mean. Communication is constant and always flowing in a healthy relationship. As I stated earlier, it builds and maintains trust.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship; period. There is nothing more or nothing less. When someone loses trust, what happens? They start accusing or question your every move, thought or word. What does that do to the relationship? It is no longer a relationship; it’s an investigation. When your partner doesn’t trust you they become the best investigators of life; no prior education needed and no need to hire. Losing trust and accusing all the time takes away from actually enjoying your relationship. Then there is no point. Trust is like having an A at the beginning of the semester & the goal is keeping that A. Once you lose it you have to find your way back. The difference is trust for some reason is extremely difficult to get back. So I encourage all couples if you fall into the no trust category either try to work on it but if you just can’t, then let it go. There is no point in staying in a relationship if you are going to constantly accuse and snoop on one another. It creates a hostile and controlling environment and that it a negative trait in a relationship. Control is NOT healthy.  Respect each other as individuals and if you have trust, trust that your partner is being faithful and carrying themselves in a manner that is a positive reflection of you and your relationship. I would rather be happy than miserable: I would rather be happy than abused. If we can make the positive routines a habit more than the negative routine then possibly more relationships will last and if they end they won’t end in violence.

 If you are angry enough to hit the person you so called love then you two don’t need to be together. Just because you love each other doesn't mean you need to be together either. When we care about someone we over look or do not address the issues we may have and as a result, relationships end badly. Communication, communication, communication is the basis of a relationship.

A Thin Line between Love and Lust

It’s better than beautiful

It’s like knowing god exist w/out site

That rhythm that flows between your legs right before you begin to climax

That feel so good all you can do is cry but that’s not even enough

It’s like I can feel your heart beating 10 miles away and although it’s a saying

It’s as real as it can be; you touched me

It’s what your heart desires and then some

Unexplainable, unimaginable, irresistible feeling

You have no control over

Sex isn't better than love its better with love

But there is a thin line between love and lust

So how do you know that you are in love? How do you really know that you are not in lust when sex is the clouded judgment?

A lot of people mistake love for lust especially when the sex is good. I mean think about it, you ever been so physically attracted to someone that when you have been intimate with them you come out feeling like you are in love and the more you have sex the more in “Love” you say you are?  Do you already see the difference?

The more you have sex, the more in love you think you are? But we know that sex is not love; right? We know that sex is a desire. The definition for lust is to have an overwhelming sexual desire for someone. To love is to have a romantic or sexual attachment. To desire is the physical but it can feel emotional when adding it to sex; thus creating the illusion of love. I mean after all, love includes sexual and romantic to the equation.  To be attached is the emotional. If you lust someone, then you are attracted to them physically; that’s it! There is nothing else.  It’s an overwhelming attraction so everything else seems so much better.  In that sense that would mean that the connection during sex would be intense because of how attracted you are. I describe sex with lust as an added sedative to a hallucinogen to intensify the main effect. To hallucinate is to see an image that is not there. Humans believe in what they see, which shows that we believe in what we feel and therefor if we say we are then we are and most times the fallacy in this reality seems so much better… but it’s just that; not real. If it was real then you wouldn't have to add anything to it.

No watch this, Love is the emotion. Emotional attachments include not just the physical but the mental and spiritual aspect between you and your partner. Love is all things combined and thus is intensified within its own self. So in the case that sex is the additive to the hallucinogen, which would be lust, that intensifies and love being intensity within itself means that the felling would in fact be much greater.  In love you don’t need the sex; you want the sex.  

Simply put, love includes lust and lust excludes love, thus making sex with love the better feeling.

The question that a remains is, “are you in love or in lust when sex is the clouded judgment?”

 The deciding question is, “if you could never, ever, ever, have sex with this person, would you still love them?”  

There is a thin line between love and lust… What side of the line are you on?

At least ...

I just can’t seem to figure out why love for me is so complicated. Some days I want it &  most days I don’t. The one I want it with I can’t have, so what’s the point? Of course I believe that things happen as they should. The lord and I both know that I should not be thinking about a relationship; however, on my journey to 28 it would be nice to share these accomplishments with someone... I at least want the option. I am not down playing the people who are available and have shared my happiness, I just want my own lover to share things with.

Throughout all of this frustration about the fucked up situations and the fucked up love that I don’t know truly exist, but I know it truly exist, apart of me is ready to be a wife & a mother or at least I want that option. I want to be someone's Queen and be in love with all that love is cracked up to be. Throughout all the misconceptions and truths, I want to know what it feels like to be all of the above. If it doesn’t work, at least at some point I know what it felt like when it did work  and then I could say I get it; I could say that I have experienced it. I want it or at least I want the option. I want to love someone as mutually as they love me & do goofy ass shit together. I want us to walk away from the sunset because we both think it too damn hot but then walked toward it anyway because we decided to sunburn together. I want that or at least the option. I want the dumb ass jokes and  to laugh only because you’re my baby. I want the stress of some bad ass kids running around buts it’s cool because they are our bad ass kids and we will raise them the best that we know how. I want to pick your nose and for you to paint my damn toe nails because I think it’s cute and not because you can really paint my toe nails. I want to argue and be mad as fck & after all that I want to want you more than I did before the argument even started.  I want to not be able to stand your ass at times and for you to aggravate the fck out of me; I want to be able to complain after because you’re in the living room mad and not in bed. I want the dumb shit, the happy shit, and the annoying shit but never want to think about leaving not once; that’s what I want or at least I want the option. I want us to learn each other like we learn how to survive. I want to mesh; our thoughts to intertwine & to still challenge each other. I want to debate, agree to disagree, feed not only your belly full but your mind full too. I don’t want perfect, I want real or at least I want that option. That’s how it should be right?? Right??

So why does it seem that more relationships and marriages fail than last?? I mean, you know when you know right?? So why do we still pursue something we know will not last? Could it be hope? Is it really love?? I’m with Musiq on this one, when he sings in Robert Glaspers song, “Ahh yea” ‘‘’cause I’ve learned in this life you gotta be with someone you like.”  That’s the damn truth. I feel like if we are adult enough to make these decisions to say yes, then we should be adult enough to make a decision to say no, especially when you know. Don’t mistake my rage for knowing or judging because I have no clue about what it is to be married but I am very knowledgeable about relationships. I wonder, however, if we were more honest with ourselves or tried to be, how much  could we more accurately analyze and evaluate a situation or a potential partner. Does logic really work when feelings are involved?  That does take work, I can admit but I wonder what the statistic could become or how many people could potentially end up with their match before a disaster was to happen? I believe also that people, who go through things once, carry that… so if I were to marry and it just wasn’t right, my chances of getting married again are slim to none. However, how fair is that for the person I actually fall in love with after that; my actual match? How fair is it to look happiness in the face and say fuck all that because I thought I was happy before? It’s not fair to you or the other person. Funny thing is that the excuse is, such is life and we go with that. We actually believe that shit. That bullshit that such is life… Fuck all that!! That’s all I’m saying. We make shit so complicated. If you are happy then be happy period but I digress. I said all that to say this; the relationship patterns in society are discouraging for the people like myself who are single and never been married or want to venture out but wont because so many people are full of shit, not willing or unavailable.... but I want to share my life with someone or I want the option at least...

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