I met my equal once...

Life is funny.... and when it cracks jokes, I guess I have no choice but to laugh. Not a simple haha laugh but a healthy laugh... Laugh so hard your chest hurts but in my particular case my heart hurts. I know I said I was ready to feel like this...you know the fuck it because I can feel you feeling... or that so what if everyone knows... how in like I am, you know the unwillingly willingness to submit and commit for no damn reason. I mean of course in my case there is plenty reason; I met my equal once. The other half of my dollar & glow to my light. I used to be really innocent when I was younger.. a yes girl, let people that I thought cared about me run over me...I loved hard.. In love with the idea of being in love but over the years I have become a loner but very loyal to my friends. I used to care what people thought of me but I am my own person now and no one's opinion matters... I beat myself up for not being as successful as I could be and working hard but not hard enough... I keep a lot of my feelings inside and deal with everyone else's... I feel like I can handle my own shit and if you can give me yours so you don't have to carry it I will take that too. I'm like that with people I love. You know when it all comes down to it Love is like Math: it surrounds you at all times, its everywhere and in ever thing. Love is life. So I talk about it a lot because it pertains to all that I do.You are included in that; its terrifying... I met my equal once...

She wrote it for me & I can dig it!!!

So, there’s this girl...

the kinda girl that before you know her you may walk past her, but once you get to know her she’s the only one you see

like in the movies when two people eyes meet... from across the room

the girl that makes the bravest of them fold up

with the hair on your limbs erect and butterflies in your stomach

the fear of rejection never leaves your mind and that uncomfortable, hot, blushing sensation flows throughout your body

yea… that girl

there’s this girl...

about 5'6 with growing locs as her mane and her legs match her perfection especially once she slides them into heels

"beautiful black women, I bet that bitch look better red" but its not her bright skin that attracts me. it her confidence and poise distracts me

that’s probably why I’m up at 6am writing this poem for her while she sleeps

there’s this girl ...

whose smile lights up a room and whose laughter is medication

and I’m no smoker but separating everyone else from her as if they were useless seeds to roll this blunt and take this hit. fuck passin that shit cuz I’m tryna get high

there’s this girl ....

who articulates her thoughts and reaches for her dreams

in the process of making all of her goals become realities

"I want to fuck the shit out of her aspirations" like wale

going so deep she feels it in her throat and she chokes on these words because she said she wants to fall in love with a poet

and here’s her poem.

and I’m her poet, but i also want to be her lover, best friend, her rock, and her right hand

there’s this girl...

every time I think about her i always feel a rush

there’s this girl...

that no one seems to know and poets seem to write about because she only exists in their dreams

and that girl

is my crush

~AFW

But Grandma....

It is said that there is no time limit on what you know… you know when you know right? The last few weeks of my life has been filled with laughs & cries, smiles and frowns, ups and downs and plenty of worry…it’s a bit much, but I’m still smiling. I will soon be 27yo and I am unsure of where my life will head. Positive of my goal but unsure as to how I will reach it. As if I am not already an indecisive person, the one woman I can always call on to guide and pray for me, my heart, my life, has left me & now I am lost. The upside though is that all of this is forcing me to make decisions and “tighten up”…. A lot of people around me have found their niche and have been successful in reaching their goals and then there is me… ha... a lot of reason why I am single… I don’t want anyone taking care of me or visa versa; I want a partner. I really don’t know what I am trying to express today but there is something… I guess for every bad thing a good thing comes. My good thing I believe I have to take with a grain of salt… but there is definitely a good thing there…  When I would call my granny, I never had to tell her anything. She would just start talking to me about whatever I was thinking or doing… She knew me like that; she knew everything... My Angel… But Grandma what do I do now?

Rest in Peace… 5-15-1938 to 05-12-2012

The weirdest thing is happening...

I have been listening to my music and anyone who has ever read my post before I started blogging knows that music makes my mind roam. Music and Cooking is my center. With that being said it feels good to smile... its a big secret right now just because that's all I am doing is smiling but in my imagination I'm doing so much more. I guess it makes me sound crazy but I am far from that... its like seeing the perfect everything in a window and the doors are locked for life... but I can feel it's for me... but I enjoy smiling and I am not complaining at all..

I can see clearly now that the Rain is Gone...

(Sings) “I can see clearly now that the rain is gone.”

As I watched my only negative walk out the front door

Blinded by the love that never was

Bigotry

You see, I always negate the obvious

That obviously I was a fool

Hopeful that I would be treated like a Queen

Because after all I am a Queen and you never did deserve me

All the while lying to myself like you

Like you were worthy

Of my trust

Making excuses for your lies that I knew were lies

Excuses for your cries

When I knew damn well they were lies

(Sings)”I can see clearly now that the rain is gone”

So there is no point in dwelling

Dwelling on the fact that I wasted so much time

Proving to you that I was worthy for you

When all the while there was nothing to prove

Worth more than what your mouth said

More than what your spirit spread

Instead

I was left with pain and grief

Almost regretting you

But I didn’t

I learned from you

I’m stronger because of you

I am grateful for you

I have opened my eyes because of you

(Sings) “I can see clearly now that the rain is gone”

After all I am not perfect

The one thing you did best was point out my flaws

And that’s fine

Because I needed that

Needed to be fed that

To determine the lies and the truths

About myself

I’m stronger because of you

Stronger because of that

I can see myself clearly now

I can feel my heart clearly now

(Sings) “I can see clearly now that the rain is gone

I can see all obstacles in my way Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day”