Clearly (Something old)

(Sings) “I can see clearly now that the rain is gone.”

As I watched my only negative walk out the front door

Blinded by the love that never was

Bigotry

You see, I always negate the obvious

That obviously I was a fool

Hopeful that I would be treated like a Queen

Because after all I am a Queen and you never did deserve me

All the while lying to myself like you

Like you were worthy

Of my trust

Making excuses for your lies that I knew were lies

Excuses for your cries

When I knew damn well they were lies

(Sings) "I can see all obstacles in my way"

So there is no point in dwelling

Dwelling on the fact that I wasted so much time

Proving to you that I was worthy for you

When all the while there was nothing to prove

Worth more than what your mouth said

More than what your spirit spread

Instead

I was left with pain and grief

Almost regretting you

But I didn't

I learned from you

I’m stronger because of you

I am grateful for you

I have opened my eyes because of you

(Sings) “Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind”

After all I am not perfect

The one thing you did best was point out my flaws

And that’s fine

Because I needed that

Needed to be fed that

To determine the lies and the truths

About myself

I’m stronger because of you

Stronger because of that

I can see myself clearly now

I can feel my heart clearly now

(Sings) "It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) Sun-Shiny day”

The Rigaramo

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Feeling like everything from before yesterday was everything before yesterday and today I’m empty. I feel like being surrounded by my own energy, take a vow of silence, eliminating everyone left in my life for a moment and just be. I awakened with the idea that a part of me is hurt, misunderstood and angry. Most of me is extremely easy going, relaxed, happy, and understanding & at some point I am able to just be still.

I feel like I have deprived and restricted myself from manifesting my love in something that reciprocates in the exact way I can give it; unrestricted. I feel like I allow people to use me for their comfort but use me for their demise because after all, misery loves company and I love the world. I've realized that in the end I allow myself to be treated in the ways that I have been treated but on the other hand I have learned to separate myself from most of things that are no good for me (a great accomplishment). If you don’t want it, then separate yourself from it; right!? Although, my main goal is to finish school and my main focus is me, do I not have the right to think about Love? Do I not have the right to think about my future because truth be told I am not getting any younger and every time I turn around, someone is getting married, already married (the story of my life) or having a lovely child that they so adore and love and is Jah’s greatest gift. Am I not allowed to feel alone or lonely because my focus should ONLY be about me and finishing school. Is it not human nature to want to love and be loved by someone and think about the future with them; growing with them & challenging one another?  

Although, I have become a hermit, spending my nights sipping wine or rum depending on how I feel and reading a good book before bed, or going to a matinée on the weekends alone because I would rather spend $7.50 than $10 (even though I movie hop), then realizing that my new Saturday morning walk consist of getting lost in a two hour hike at one of the parks hiking trail, I sometimes want to share that with someone. Don’t be mistaken, I don’t want to be around someone just for the sake of someone being around; I want intimacy (I’m not talking about sex). 

The Foundation of Building a Healthy Relationship: Lets Talk About It!

Women accounted for 85% of victims of intimate partner violence, men for approximately 15%. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Date Brief, Intimate Partner Violence 1993-2001, February 2003. (http://www.evefoundation.org/domestic-violence-statistics/) According to Safehorizon.org women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because their partners and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults. People focus so much on healing after these types of instances which is wonderful but what do we do for prevention. How do you try to prevent violence against a spouse from happening? I believe that if we promote healthier relationships and encourage people to have a routine in their relationships, domestic violence cases would be significantly lower. Of course I would love to eliminate the idea of domestic violence or any type of violence to our queens and kings, princesses and princes but I understand that starting somewhere will start something.

To live healthy is to live happy. What’s better than being happy with yourself and by yourself; being happy with someone else. Building a healthy and strong relationship is like building a strong and lasting home. Every piece of construction needs a foundation. The key element in building a foundation is building a friendship and we can’t do that without communicating and trusting one another.

Learn how to communicate. Often times, when communication is lacking, everything else falls apart; like building a maze with domino's and pushing the first domino against the second and every domino falls until the last one is no longer standing. Communication builds understanding and another one of the most important elements in a relationship, it builds trust. A person will never know what you feel if you don’t tell them, nothing ever works off the strength of assumptions. Why? Because most times we are wrong and it drags out an argument or just makes things worse than what they are, when it could have been avoided when the issue first presented itself. Never be afraid to be expressive with your partner. After all, only we know what we are thinking.

Now of course there are rules to expressing to your partner in a healthy way. We must always be polite and ladies and gentleman we must learn how to stop blaming each other and pointing the finger. For example if something your partner said hurt your feelings. You do not start and argument with the word YOU (a blaming word) hurt my feelings, you can say, “my feelings were hurt when such and such was said.” We should use “I” statements, such as I felt or I feel. As opposed to, you are the reason I feel or you do this and you did that. Try not to make you partner feel attacked but instead try to make them feel like you are only expressing your feelings because you want them to understand how you feel not because you are trying to blame them. It will prevent a conflict that may result in something negatively aggressive. The way you speak to your partner is extremely important. Sometimes it’s not what you say that makes someone react; it is how you say it.  When communicating we must respect one another as we would want the other to respect us. We absolutely must listen to our partner and make an effort comprehend what they are trying to relay.  It’s ok to ask for clarity if you do not understand something or just in general, check in with each other about your feelings. Communication is not just working issues out; communication is simply talking, letting your partner know that you are interested in their daily routine and the good and bad things that may have happened in their lives or throughout the day. Communication should always be constant. If you make it a habit, it will just come natural. If your partner shares great news then be enthusiastic with them. Follow up with their feelings, let them know that their accomplishments matter and as a result, they will always want to tell you everything. If you act like you don’t care, they will notice and eventually will stop telling you things.  I feel that’s also a way for your partner to feel comfortable with you and not someone else; you don’t want them to stray away from you, you want them to continue to be comfortable with you and vice versa; if you know what I mean. Communication is constant and always flowing in a healthy relationship. As I stated earlier, it builds and maintains trust.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship; period. There is nothing more or nothing less. When someone loses trust, what happens? They start accusing or question your every move, thought or word. What does that do to the relationship? It is no longer a relationship; it’s an investigation. When your partner doesn’t trust you they become the best investigators of life; no prior education needed and no need to hire. Losing trust and accusing all the time takes away from actually enjoying your relationship. Then there is no point. Trust is like having an A at the beginning of the semester & the goal is keeping that A. Once you lose it you have to find your way back. The difference is trust for some reason is extremely difficult to get back. So I encourage all couples if you fall into the no trust category either try to work on it but if you just can’t, then let it go. There is no point in staying in a relationship if you are going to constantly accuse and snoop on one another. It creates a hostile and controlling environment and that it a negative trait in a relationship. Control is NOT healthy.  Respect each other as individuals and if you have trust, trust that your partner is being faithful and carrying themselves in a manner that is a positive reflection of you and your relationship. I would rather be happy than miserable: I would rather be happy than abused. If we can make the positive routines a habit more than the negative routine then possibly more relationships will last and if they end they won’t end in violence.

 If you are angry enough to hit the person you so called love then you two don’t need to be together. Just because you love each other doesn't mean you need to be together either. When we care about someone we over look or do not address the issues we may have and as a result, relationships end badly. Communication, communication, communication is the basis of a relationship.

A Thin Line between Love and Lust

It’s better than beautiful

It’s like knowing god exist w/out site

That rhythm that flows between your legs right before you begin to climax

That feel so good all you can do is cry but that’s not even enough

It’s like I can feel your heart beating 10 miles away and although it’s a saying

It’s as real as it can be; you touched me

It’s what your heart desires and then some

Unexplainable, unimaginable, irresistible feeling

You have no control over

Sex isn't better than love its better with love

But there is a thin line between love and lust

So how do you know that you are in love? How do you really know that you are not in lust when sex is the clouded judgment?

A lot of people mistake love for lust especially when the sex is good. I mean think about it, you ever been so physically attracted to someone that when you have been intimate with them you come out feeling like you are in love and the more you have sex the more in “Love” you say you are?  Do you already see the difference?

The more you have sex, the more in love you think you are? But we know that sex is not love; right? We know that sex is a desire. The definition for lust is to have an overwhelming sexual desire for someone. To love is to have a romantic or sexual attachment. To desire is the physical but it can feel emotional when adding it to sex; thus creating the illusion of love. I mean after all, love includes sexual and romantic to the equation.  To be attached is the emotional. If you lust someone, then you are attracted to them physically; that’s it! There is nothing else.  It’s an overwhelming attraction so everything else seems so much better.  In that sense that would mean that the connection during sex would be intense because of how attracted you are. I describe sex with lust as an added sedative to a hallucinogen to intensify the main effect. To hallucinate is to see an image that is not there. Humans believe in what they see, which shows that we believe in what we feel and therefor if we say we are then we are and most times the fallacy in this reality seems so much better… but it’s just that; not real. If it was real then you wouldn't have to add anything to it.

No watch this, Love is the emotion. Emotional attachments include not just the physical but the mental and spiritual aspect between you and your partner. Love is all things combined and thus is intensified within its own self. So in the case that sex is the additive to the hallucinogen, which would be lust, that intensifies and love being intensity within itself means that the felling would in fact be much greater.  In love you don’t need the sex; you want the sex.  

Simply put, love includes lust and lust excludes love, thus making sex with love the better feeling.

The question that a remains is, “are you in love or in lust when sex is the clouded judgment?”

 The deciding question is, “if you could never, ever, ever, have sex with this person, would you still love them?”  

There is a thin line between love and lust… What side of the line are you on?

At least ...

I just can’t seem to figure out why love for me is so complicated. Some days I want it &  most days I don’t. The one I want it with I can’t have, so what’s the point? Of course I believe that things happen as they should. The lord and I both know that I should not be thinking about a relationship; however, on my journey to 28 it would be nice to share these accomplishments with someone... I at least want the option. I am not down playing the people who are available and have shared my happiness, I just want my own lover to share things with.

Throughout all of this frustration about the fucked up situations and the fucked up love that I don’t know truly exist, but I know it truly exist, apart of me is ready to be a wife & a mother or at least I want that option. I want to be someone's Queen and be in love with all that love is cracked up to be. Throughout all the misconceptions and truths, I want to know what it feels like to be all of the above. If it doesn’t work, at least at some point I know what it felt like when it did work  and then I could say I get it; I could say that I have experienced it. I want it or at least I want the option. I want to love someone as mutually as they love me & do goofy ass shit together. I want us to walk away from the sunset because we both think it too damn hot but then walked toward it anyway because we decided to sunburn together. I want that or at least the option. I want the dumb ass jokes and  to laugh only because you’re my baby. I want the stress of some bad ass kids running around buts it’s cool because they are our bad ass kids and we will raise them the best that we know how. I want to pick your nose and for you to paint my damn toe nails because I think it’s cute and not because you can really paint my toe nails. I want to argue and be mad as fck & after all that I want to want you more than I did before the argument even started.  I want to not be able to stand your ass at times and for you to aggravate the fck out of me; I want to be able to complain after because you’re in the living room mad and not in bed. I want the dumb shit, the happy shit, and the annoying shit but never want to think about leaving not once; that’s what I want or at least I want the option. I want us to learn each other like we learn how to survive. I want to mesh; our thoughts to intertwine & to still challenge each other. I want to debate, agree to disagree, feed not only your belly full but your mind full too. I don’t want perfect, I want real or at least I want that option. That’s how it should be right?? Right??

So why does it seem that more relationships and marriages fail than last?? I mean, you know when you know right?? So why do we still pursue something we know will not last? Could it be hope? Is it really love?? I’m with Musiq on this one, when he sings in Robert Glaspers song, “Ahh yea” ‘‘’cause I’ve learned in this life you gotta be with someone you like.”  That’s the damn truth. I feel like if we are adult enough to make these decisions to say yes, then we should be adult enough to make a decision to say no, especially when you know. Don’t mistake my rage for knowing or judging because I have no clue about what it is to be married but I am very knowledgeable about relationships. I wonder, however, if we were more honest with ourselves or tried to be, how much  could we more accurately analyze and evaluate a situation or a potential partner. Does logic really work when feelings are involved?  That does take work, I can admit but I wonder what the statistic could become or how many people could potentially end up with their match before a disaster was to happen? I believe also that people, who go through things once, carry that… so if I were to marry and it just wasn’t right, my chances of getting married again are slim to none. However, how fair is that for the person I actually fall in love with after that; my actual match? How fair is it to look happiness in the face and say fuck all that because I thought I was happy before? It’s not fair to you or the other person. Funny thing is that the excuse is, such is life and we go with that. We actually believe that shit. That bullshit that such is life… Fuck all that!! That’s all I’m saying. We make shit so complicated. If you are happy then be happy period but I digress. I said all that to say this; the relationship patterns in society are discouraging for the people like myself who are single and never been married or want to venture out but wont because so many people are full of shit, not willing or unavailable.... but I want to share my life with someone or I want the option at least...

. 

The Headline...

Dear Bomber,

You fucking coward! No warning? That means it was very random and you do know that cowards don't last in the wilderness, don't you? I am over you crazy ass people killing and harming innocent people; innocent children. You want to do this horrible & inhumane shit, take your ass somewhere where you will be appreciated; this is not the place. You better hope that you are legally reprimanded before anyone else gets their hands on you; I personally hope that you are thrown into the wilderness of the savages in this country so they can tare your ass apart. Oh and I hope that you pay close attention to the president; when it comes to threats to our people it is truly not what you would like to do here. I feel somehow that you believe that you are scaring someone. When people like you continue to threaten the lives of innocent humans and children, you have only made us angry; not scared... Trust and believe there is no fear here. 

Alexis, a citizen of the United States of America

3 Killed 144 Injured      No Warning 

 ......is what the headline read this morning at about 7:45am, the day after the Boston Marathon Bombing. While I was in the gym, working out on one of the machines, the headline was the first message I saw on the TV screen that was directly in front of me. As I read the caption and watched the pictures of the before and after scenes, I had to put my head down after a moment so I could breathe a little harder to stop the tears from pouring down my eyes; there were people around & all I could do was frown. Its sad. I don't know these people but this effected me; it hurts; it's sad. I am convinced our world is going to shit. Tragedies like this are the reasons that we should always forgive, the reason we should make sure the people closest to us know how loved they are by you. I am mushy to everyone close to me because I need them to know how much I do love and cherish them; you're here today and can be gone tomorrow. We need to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Now if you don't love yourself, then you need to get that shit together and love the people who love you. Cherish the life that is around you & the life that you have; the life that so many people lose every second of the day. 

Watching the news in America is very depressing; I can't imagine how depressed I might become in a 3rd world country where behavior like this is very common. I was not going to express my feelings about this tragedy because I don't know how to express what this feels like. Obama made a statement on yesterday, the day of the bombing and I think what stuck out not just to me but to everyone who watched or heard the speech, was when he said, "We still do not know who did this or why," he said from the Brady Press Briefing Room, cautioning people against jumping to conclusion. "But make no mistake, we will get to the bottom of this, and we will find out who did this, we'll find out why they did this." 

Any individuals or groups responsible for the "senseless" bombing, he added, will "feel the full weight of justice." 

Pay attention. 

My Life going on 30.

I have become a pretty busy lady, juggling two jobs and a training to be an advocate for rape victims and women in crisis; it’s a lot. I haven’t given my body a rest. On top of trying to maintain communication with people most important to me. The beggining of the year was really rough for me emotionally; love can take a toll on you I suppose. However, I always seem to get back to me... always remember, that even if you fall off course, you must find your way back in order to have a better sense of self and a better awareness of the things going on around you. When you find your way back to self, hindsight is stagnant. Make sure you ask yourself why I said stagnant and not nonexistent.

So I think I will focus on me for once in this post. I am training to be an advocate/counselor. Mandated by the state, I have to be certified in Domestic Violence and Sexual Violence. I have to say, these training sessions are amazing and I have and am learning a lot. The people I am training and working with are very engaging and really I feel now, that I have a sense of purpose. I think that I realized my purpose long ago but life happens. On the contrary, everyone has their time, their moment of clarity when they wake up and say, “What the Fuck am I doing with my life?” I am doing now at 27 going on 28, what I should have been doing at 21. Finishing my degree in Sociology/Social Work, volunteering, working on my resume, my damn credit and just living life at the same time. I am actually living. The biggest part of all, is I have stopped worrying about love and being a wife or a perfect girlfriend and living for me and just simply being happy; getting Alexis together. I have so many plans for myself by the time I am 30 and who’s gonna check me boo? I mean really, I spent most of my 10yrs in Tallahassee, taking care of everyone else. All I worried about was paying bills and I can admit I have been struggling. All 10yrs? I must be doing something wrong; I must be. This is what I have been telling myself. I get so distracted and I know that about myself. I used to be so hard on myself but I remind myself that I am human. I am Alexis, driven at all times, sometimes I fall, sometime I nag, sometimes I cry; I am all over the place,  that’s me! I won’t change that about myself; I am finding my way; better late than never right??

So funny though, it took me about a year of saying I am going to volunteer to do it and let me tell you I finally did it but here is the kicker. They say you should surround yourself with people like you. For years I surrounded myself with all types of people and energies, a lot of people who were content or ok with the bad situation that they were in. Granted we should always motivate ourselves but it’s nothing like surrounding yourself with people who work hard, have positive energy & who are really driven. I have met some amazing people in the past year; Men and Women and they help me; they have helped me. They help me through life and not only that, Love. It’s like we all feed off of each other; that’s truth. Motivated people motivate others; I have experienced that & I am so grateful for them. I’m grateful for the ones who put up with my shit but never kicked me when I was down and the ones that allow me to be their guide or the help that they needed as well. It’s like a win/win situation and I am so happy about it. The Kicker are the people who have helped me along this journey. It’s not me just helping people anymore; it’s really reciprocated this time around.  People say you have that feeling when you know everything is going to work out as it should and I always tell my friends that, if nothing else, everything works out as it should… so have no worries. I practice what I preach and at this moment I have no worries; I’m cool. I am happy with the situation that I am in and where I am headed; are you? Sometimes change is imminent; embrace that part of yourself and life.  

The stages of the heart...

When it comes to the individual & relationship status there are I believe, three major stages. The relationship, the breakup and the epiphany stage (after the breakup). When two people are in a relationship there is some form of love. I mean even when it’s bad, you work at it and all the feelings, even the bad ones, are grand; it’s great, right?  I mean because let’s face it, even the person who is against being in a relationship wants a relationship with someone that makes life a little easier when they are in it. Who doesn't want to have someone to love, someone to call their best friend or someone to make love to or simply just sex? I personally look forward to the make-up sex; I am just saying. Overall it’s a good feeling especially if it’s a pretty good relationship.

Then we have the breakup. Depending on the type of relationship you are in, will determine your reaction to it.  There are several types of breakups. There is the mutual breakup; the mutual breakup is when both parties are adult enough to know that the shit just isn't working. So they are better off being friends... or not. In the end of the mutual breakup is all good either way.  The you broke up with me you bastard breakup. Now, emotionally for the person who was let go, it’s a pretty fucked up situation. It’s pretty sad actually, especially because the one who did the letting go is chillin' and probably already dating someone else. Ha, it’s pretty tough. Then you have the worst of them all, the I left because I had to leave break ups. I left you because you were abusing me, I left you because you cheated, I left you because you weren't ready and I left your ass because it was bad timing. Damn, almost forgot, I had to leave because I don't love you anymore... daaammmnnn …. damn. During the breakup stage there is a lot of emotion man and I mean a lot. But the goal, the bright side, the number one accomplishment is the epiphany moment; that ah ha moment. 

Now in my case, I normally am the one that breaks up with someone and at that point I am done with being emotional. Hell I have already went through the breakup stage before I even broke up with their ass. Truth be told I am pretty lenient. So I take a lot of shit until I am not going to take it anymore. I am not trying to go through the breakup emotion because "don't nobody have time for that." The shit is draining. Now, let’s say, in the case that I wasn't the one who broke up with the other. What if I say that, the situation was left alone because we have no choice but to let it go? What happens when you fall in love with the right person at the wrong damn time? I think the worst part of falling in love is falling in love and being in a situation that should not have been in the first place. Well I perused it anyway. Oh and it ended, but I love, I love, I love and so I went through the I understand and let’s be friends, to wtf let’s take a break because I need to deal with my feelings and to the fuck you I hate you for making me feel this way, let’s not talk at all. Those are emotions one doesn't want; hell I don't want. When you are going through the cycles of a breakup, I know for me, I become weak, sad and vulnerable when I truly love someone. It hurts like hell. Especially when you have met your equal but it just isn't the right time or it could never really be.

The other day, I sent this long ass text about how emotional I was by not speaking at all and the response simply said what I already knew and had been saying the entire time but I wanted so bad to fight; for us to fight. At that moment, when I came back to reality, when I realized how emotionally crazy I had become and made myself; I just stopped and said okay.  It took that response to realize  that no matter what we feel, we have to be realistic about what the situation is.  Our reality was based on what we wished we could have as opposed to what it really was. I was stuck on the idea that if we loved each other ENOUGH then we could make it work but when the timing is wrong, when the situation isn't right or one is just not ready then it just won’t work; in love nothing can be forced. Love is patient. When people go through breakups, they go through a lot of emotional points just to get to that epiphany moment, that ah ha moment, when the pain just stops. There is never a time limit on a sad feeling; you don't stop being sad until you stop being sad. It truly is as simple as that. 

My disclaimer in it all is I was not in a titled relationship; I was in love. In life people come in to change apart of you; to add to your life. In every type of relationship we should embrace it, learn from it and move forward. Sometimes you have to let something go for it to come back and sometimes you have to just let go.  hakuna matata

Maktub

I was in love once and now…..

I want love without the love but I know that truly doesn't exist. I want the heart without the heartache but that is love without love and that truly doesn't exist. i am stagnant in the idea but what's the truth in it all. I would be the one who hurts me. I would only allow you to borrow me in fear that you might just keep me. Then what? Then you would be love in my love that I wouldn't allow to exist.

The Vow

I thought this was pretty funny; so although I do not think I will ever get married, I had a really cute dream.

It was just me and him, standing face to face and you would think I would be crying already but I had this I'm so in love with you smile on my face and he had this one tear in his left eye that was going to drop at any moment. We weren't able to see each other the night before, of course and it was my bright idea to actually make it three days before, just in case he had second thoughts, he had time to figure those thoughts out and normally if we spend even a an entire day in silence the sex, once we started speaking or saw each other, which ever came first, was always the best sex. The way he makes me feel when we are being intimate.... but I digress. The day was perfect, you could feel the love through the slight breeze and the glowing of the sun. He was standing there with a slight smirk on his face, like, yea that's my baby in front of me. He is so freaking sexy when he smirks, he has this crease that forms on the side of his face, its not a dimple though; its just sexiness.  He had on a black tux, no tie, the collars of his collared shirt were so crisp, just like I like it,  with a few buttons at the top unbuttoned. His shirt was tucked in a straight leg trouser that fell just passed his ankles but didn't touch the ground.  Of course he didn't wear dress shoes, he hates dress shoes. He would have wore some Jordan's but I convinced him to wear some all black chuck tailors, which he also hates. Surly he took those off before the reception. His hair was cut perfectly low and he had shaved down his beard, ugh, he is so sexy when he cleans up and his eyes, shaped like almonds, were beautiful. My hair was super long and wavy but was pinned up perfectly enough to see the spirals a waves with the red tint of my hair reflecting through the sunlight and the brown in my eyes as I glared into my soon to be husbands eyes. My face was freshly painted with a glowing finish; very natural with a light pink blush and a nude/pink gloss. He really loves when I am natural. My dress was a pearl haltered dress that sat above my knees. It was tight at the top and my bosoms looked perfect and once the top of my dress reached my waist, I puffed out. I wasn't a huge puff but a perfect feathered fluff. I wore a pearl colored, 4 inch, sling back Steve Madden pump with a semi squared front.  I accessorized with medium diamond studs and a diamond tennis bracelet he purchased for me on my 30th birthday when we finally decided to commit to each other completely, leaving my neck line bare and open.

So in the dream we got to the Vow part and you must know that him and I are goofy and retarded and truth be told we have been plotting on ways to kill each other since day one. Although, it seems that so far it hasn't worked out that way, we will probably be the death of each other; however, at this present moment it is neither here nor there. So I guess I should keep the story going.

So I said, I vow to love you through good health, your glorious poops and your hideous farts. I vow to rub your back when you snore because then you will stop but only for a moment. I vow to be your supporter with all that you do and laugh at all of your jokes even when they suck. I vow not to intentionally lie or cheat but I do realize that we are human; doesn't mean go for it. I vow not leave you for any reason unless I decide to leave you in the living room because you are in the dog house, I am just saying; realistic vows here. I vow to be your backbone, your lover, your friend and your partner. I vow to love you as I love myself ... I vow to share my dreams & secrets with you. I vow to share my life with you, you Jerk! I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you always.

But of course he always finds a way to get out of mushy, the next form of noise was my phone ringing the I am in trouble ring tone, it was him calling, waking me out of my sleep; he was saved by the bell... 

Added Perks

Happy is a feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with a person, arrangement or situation.That is a defined definition of happy right?

But happiness is merely what you make of it, don't you think??  Its like in school, when you start a class everyone starts with an A and throughout the semester, your grade can change based on what effort you have put forth in school. We are not perfect at all, so we wont always get an A right, luckily there are different classes and every time you start out with an A. Like a do over or fresh start. And in life we are constantly finding ways to be better or not! However, just like classes there are new days and for everything you didn't do yesterday, you can start fresh on today. Although people may not think that way, I think it is true. In anything there is work but once you have gotten there you just have to make sure you can stay there.

So lets talk about Happy. In order to reach that goal you must be happy with yourself; that's it. Simple right? Not really, emotions are hard on people, people are hard on people, situations are hard on people. My man makes me happy, when he makes me laugh, when we talk, when he kisses my forehead; when he tells me I am beautiful and especially when I hear him say he loves me but he has to say it all weird because its weird to him. Then again, we have a pretty awesome relationship. we communicate well, we are friends, partners, lovers; we just work well together. We have never really had a real argument. well at least not one that has made me react or not even make me want to look at him. He has never really hurt me to the point where I wanted to leave and had no thought behind it until recently. He said to me the other day 'I hope that you can be happy again and my response was I just hope that you could be Happy."  Lets not forget that the goal first is, self. Thing is I am happy period and he is my perk, my greatest perk and although I was hurt, I was not unhappy; I am not unhappy. All I could think of was the way he makes me feel and that we are all human and that I wish he was Happy; I wish he knew what my heart feels like and how much more of a good emotion is in it because of him, but again he is my perk. I remember once, he said I am happy and I could feel his smile through the phone, he said it without a thought; it was beautiful, my entire heart lit up. I love that man so. In the beginning of this I said,  "In anything you strive to reach there is work but once you have gotten there you just have to make sure you can stay there." It seems and I have learned, that we allow people, situations, emotions and money dictate our happy. How we feel about our self because lets face it,  happy is all about self love. If you are always smiling with yourself then nothing else can really come through and break that; no matter how good or bad. So what do we do?? Who ever really knows and I truly don't have an answer for that other than to search for your happy. How you do it? I have no idea but if we all would make ourselves priority first then you can add people, situations or whatever into the equation. We have to always know that we are the prize and everything else is a perk. I can say I have lost myself, my happy in people plenty of times and I almost lost myself in the man.  I didn't want to lose sight of me, I just wanted to have sight of us. A relationship is the easiest was anyone can lose any and everything, I became selfless at one point and in turn it allowed him to be selfish, that is when I realized I almost lost my happy. We have to realize that relationships are about two people everything matters on both ends. Easier said than done but teams of two work well with both teammates work together and work with one another, not one or the other. Happy is love; love yourself and then you can learn to love someone else... everything else is the added perk.; Don't need it, want it. Never forget yourself and just be happy.

More than beauty...

It is better than beautiful...

Love is like seeing God without Site...

That rhythm that flows through your legs just before you climax...

That feel so good all you can do is cry but that's not even enough

Ha!

Love is like that I feel u touching my heart 10 feet away and although its a saying..

It’s as real as can be; u touched me

Love is all your hearts desires and then some

Unexplained unimaginable irresistible feeling u have no control over..

Sometimes I fight love...

but I've learned to embrace love...

Let go and let's live in love...

I’m Love!

2-13-12